Aphrodite does the most successful match-making ever in mythology, at a time before dating apps, without any subscription, using just an apple.

“Damn, I forgot about these guys”, Zeus mumbled under his breath, skimming through the list of weddings that had been cancelled due to COVID-19.

“These guys” were Peleus – King of Phthia – and Thetis, a nice fresh sea nymph who was a cheeky lass.

The only estate available for a wedding reception was in Pelion – 20 Euros per head for the catering service; quite the bargain. Even J-Lo and Ben Affleck would be envious of the guest list, which was made up of all the gods and goddesses. And when we say “all”, we mean apart from Eris, the goddess of strife and discord, because wherever she went, she’d cause arguments. Nobody wanted bon filets, priests and wedding candy flying to and fro during their reception.

Naturally, Eris was furious, so she hatched a plan and made herself invisible. She went to the wedding and left a golden apple from one of those fancy gift shops on the table. On the price tag, next to the price, she wrote “For the most beautiful one of all”. The moment Hera, Athena and Aphrodite saw the apple, they began to argue about which one was the most beautiful.

“You use so many filters, half your face is wiped out”, “Most of the likes you get are from your mom”, “You look like something I drew with my left hand”, clawing and scratching at each other. In the end, they asked Zeus. With all the heat, the priest’s chanting, the flutes of champagne he’d downed, he really didn’t feel like answering, nor did he want to upset any one of them. So, he sent them to Mount Ida near Troy for them to ask Paris, son of the King of Troy, who was the most beautiful. After the swimsuit round and as long as Paris was holding the golden apple, the 3 contestants made him promises to get his vote.

Athena promised to make him the bravest and wisest warrior, Hera told him she’d make him the greatest king and Aphrodite pledged to find him the most beautiful mortal woman for his wife. Eventually, the golden apple was awarded to Aphrodite, while Hera and Athena commented to the cameras about the lack of transparency of the institution of Pageants.

“Put Sparta on your GPS and go and get Helen, King Menelaos’ wife. She’s the most beautiful woman in the world’, Aphrodite said, as she took a bite out of the golden apple and chipped a tooth. And that’s just what Paris did: He went to Sparta, seduced Helen, and they eloped. Either it’d become an episode on the Jerry Springer show or war would break out. Guess which one happened…