ULYSSES ON THE ISLAND OF THE CYCLOPS

Ulysses and Polyphemus, an encounter that didn’t go so well.

Ulysses and twelve rascals show up on Cyclops Island - without a clue that it’s actually the Cyclops Island, - enter a cave and find some cheese, a few whole-wheat bread sticks, milk and yogurt. They eat and drink like there is no tomorrow and take a little nap to digest their feast. Meanwhile, a hungry Polyphemus, who is absolutely humungous, returns to find that Ulysses and the gang have taken over his living room and have pigged out on his mozzarella. In his view, this isn’t good; after all, he only has one eye. He closes the entrance to the cave with a boulder and starts munching on Ulysses’ companions like finger food. Ulysses pipes up and says, “Have a glass of wine with your snack so doesn’t get lodged on the way down”.

‘Who are you?”, says Polyphemus, “I’m No One”, replies Ulysses, who doesn’t feel comfortable enough to give him his real Instagram.

Polyphemus takes a gulp of wine and exclaims, “this is some good shit’ and Ulysses says “my uncle makes it; it’s organic.” “I like you, I think I’ll eat you last, pour out another glass”, Polyphemus tells him.

Totally pissed from the wine, Polyphemus falls into a deep sleep. He has eaten six of the rascals (including four with their armor) and he’s stuffed.

Ulysses climbs on top of him like Spiderman and stabs him in his one eye with a burning stake and blinds him. With all the ruckus, the other Cyclopes pop up and ask him what happened “he blinded me, he blinded me” called out Polyphemus, “who did this to you, poppet?”, asked the Cyclopes, “No One, and he acted like he was my friend’, “if you can’t hold you liquor, don’t drink it”, say his friends and they leave to continue swimming and playing on the beach.

Polyphemus then opens the entrance to the cave and stands there, blocking the exit, but Ulysses and his crew have tied themselves to the undersides of some goats and sheep that are as tall as horses and this way, they leave without paying a cent for the cheese and the milk.

They board the ship and instead of leaving, Ulysses decides to show off by telling Polyphemus his true identity, “you weren’t blinded by No One; it was Ulysses who messed you up.”

“I’m gonna tell my daddy and you’ll see”, says Polyphemus and asks his dad, who by the way is Poseidon, god of the sea, to rough Ulysses up and to give him a harder time than a passenger on a cruise in Bay of Biscay, until he gets home. It wasn’t enough that Ulysses’ premiums rocketed when he blew up Troy.

And this is where all hell breaks loose, the true Odyssey.

Happy disembarkation!